I don't have it all figured out.

Sometimes, I may appear to have it all figured out. I want you to know something. I do not. A lot of people know that I'm a "calvinist" and typically that word carries a bad connotation and seems to often be associated with some sort of christian elitism. I know what I believe, and I know why I believe it. This, however does not change my heart for the lost. Whether you be arminian, or calvinist, we are commanded to proclaim the gospel to all nations. Why is that? Because we don't know who will come to believe in Him.

You say you believe in free will and everyone has the chance to believe. Do you know who will believe on hearing? No you do not.

You say you don't believe in free will, and that God elects some to salvation and not others. Do you know who will come to believe? No you do not.

This debate isn't the primary issue. NOT EVEN CLOSE. This doesn't mean we need to skirt the issue underneath our beds and forget about it either. Somebody has to be right, but nobody will know for sure who that is until We come to be with Him. We might never know. This still doesn't mean God doesn't want us to search into the deeps and peer into the mysteries of His salvation. These are things angels long to peer into. Shouldn't we also? I encourage you to do so if you haven't. You just might learn something about God that you haven't before.

There is one thing I know for sure though. It is this. Christ Is glorious, and He is the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. And how can they come if they have not heard? I want all to know to Jesus. I want all to be saved. If you're a believer, you should as well. As David cried, it is better to praise God for all eternity than to be seperated from Him forever. It is better to spend one day in His courts, then a thousand elsewhere.

This truth we cannot skirt under our beds. We must dig deep. We must yearn to see Christ for who He is through the scriptures, and proclaim Him as such. How many people today believe in a false jesus. A jesus that won't save anyone. A jesus of their own fabrications. Jesus is Glorious, so He must be proclaimed as such. I want to see Him for who He is. I want others to see Him for who He is. This is my heart- Christ is king. There might be a chosen people who only believe in Him by grace, and then everyone might be able to come to salvation. The point of the matter is, I don't know who that everyone is. I don't know who will be believe. I do know that Christ is glorious, that His salvation and is wonderful, and that He loves to save. I want to live like I believe that! Jesus Christ as the glorious son of God is the issue. His dying on the cross for sinners is the issue. Caring for someones soul and sharing the gospel with them, pointing them to the savior is the issue. This is all that matters. The rest is simply secondary.

So here is what's going on in my life

I shouldn't enjoy talking about myself, but I do. I suppose it's the human condition. Regardless, I think it might be time to fill all you readers (the two or three of you that is) in. Here's what's going on in my life! Spiritual things, and not so spiritual things.

I've applied for an internship at colonial pres. I've been praying about it, and I very much hope I get this internship. It will most obviously happen if it's the Lords will. I'll be honest- I have much peace, but I'm not as excited as I'd like to be. I suppose the excitement will rise tomorrow after my interview with some of the staffers if it goes well. I know that I already appreciate Cory's heart and some of the other staffers I've met seem to be right on as well. I'm most excited about this internship stretching me (that is if it happens) and having the opportunity to share my heart.

Three of my best friends and I are searching for a house in midtown. We all plan to attend UMKC, and have a few houses in mind. I'm quite excited about this as well. We plan on having the house be a place of prayer, service, christian community and outreach. Fellowship will also play into this house. I need to pray over this group of fellows and house more however. I believe we are going to model the house after the early church and the book of acts. If this happens, we've also considered turning the house into a house church of sorts. This idea needs a lot of prayer filled consideration, but it'll probably look like a "house church" whether we decide to call it that or not.

I had the opportunity of speaking to Ryan Kapple the other day. He is a dandy fellow and the pastor of Leawood pres. I thank Him for spending time and having fellowship with me. The conversation raised a lot of questions and convictions inside of me. I am charismatic, and I most definitely believe in the gifts. I'm not certain about this, but I believe the Lord gives me visions. I also believe the Lord has given me a passion for teaching, and perhaps gifted me there as well. Ryan encouraged me to pray about these things more specifically and see what the Lord wants with them. He also encouraged me to explore using my gifts in the church. I have a lot of praying to do about these things specifically. It was a great conversation.

Colossus, my band recently lost many members. We found a new bassist. His name is Alex Chapman and He is a dandy fellow. He is serious about his faith, and also serious about music. It's great when these two passions converge and definitely a rare thing when one has these two convictions and likes the kind of music we play. We are desperate for a drummer. We are praying, but i assure you, not enough. The Lord will provide and if He does not then clearly it's time for us to put Colossus on the ropes so to speak. In the meantime, we'll continue writing music. We're planning to record a few songs and use a drum program to finish them. We may not be able to play shows, but we can still attempt reaching out to people with our music through the internet. If anything, our songs might plant a seed and someone might check out Jesus because of it. This is more than fine with me.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo (or is it tatoo? whatever) on my chest. I want it to be Paul's conversion scene. The piece itself would most likely be quite large. I would plan on the piece being very dark, and gothic (and by that I'm referring to the color scheme). The scenery, and paul himself would be blacks, grays and maybe dark blues. The brightness of the piece would be the light in the sky (Christ) shining down on Paul. Paul would most obviously be on his knees, shielding his face from the Lords glory. The light itself would be many bright colors- preferably yellows, whites, and maybe even orange/gold. Christ would not be depicted in any way, other than the light itself. I don't want to paint a picture of what He looks like in my mind, because I have no clue He looks like. That'd be an idol of sorts.

Seeing as how Christ revealed himself through light, and God through fire in the burning bush (He does many things like this), I think it'd also be cool to have this verse tattooed under the scene. Psalm 43: 3-4 Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me;let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy,and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. This is just an idea however, and I probably won't go through with it.

I'm looking into buying a new vehicle and a scooter. Nick welch inspired me. I want to get a wagon. The scooter is going to be a dandy as well.

I want to get married soon, and maybe meet my wife even sooner. I'm not ready for this I assure you, but who is?

I hope to take a roadtrip this spring break.

And lastly, I want to be in love with Jesus. My heart feels cold. I can't stand it.

Sorry, most of this ended up being more spiritual than I expected. I guess I just can't think of anything else worth talking about. My english teacher said that some people need God for a reason to live. He most definitely isn't a believer, but He was exactly right.

I need the Lord

I need the Lord for strength.
I need the Lord for hope.
I need the Lord for forgiveness.
I need the Lord for purpose.
I need the Lord for salvation.
I need the Lord for repentance.
I need the Lord for sanctification.

I need the Lords help when I pray.
I need the Lords help to believe.
I need the Lords help to repent.
I need the Lords help to love.
I need the Lords help to follow Him.

I need Him now.
I need Him every day-every hour-every minute-every second.

I need to further desire Him.
I need to further love Him.
I need to have more faith in Him.
I need to see Him clearly.
I need to trust Him.
I need His grace, His affection, His hand in my life.
I need His good favor.
I need His eyes gaze.
I need His Spirit.
I need His cross.

I need Him as Priest, as Prophet, as King.


I need the Lord.
Help me to want you, Lord.

Streamer thoughts

I was singing a song the other night, and the lyrics went a little something like this.

"Lord, You have all of my heart. Lord, you have all of my love."

It was those two particular lines that really stuck out to me. The Lord does not have all of my heart. The lord does not have all of my love. In fact, I believe I'm able to say this with an air of confidence. There is not one person on this earth that could truly sing those sentences and actually mean them if they knew their own heart. Oh how I wish that wasn't the case. I can't wait until I can sing that song and mean it, but there is no way it will be here. I carry the weight of too much sin. My heart is easily distracted by other things. I tire easily, and grow weary of seeking the Lord. I too often seek my own glory before His. The only way a man or woman can sing those words and have them actually carry signifigance is in heaven. There is no sin, and the only thing they'd be concerned about is the blaze of glory that's in front of them. We taste grace and His beauty here. We cannot yet taste those things fully. I can't love the Lord like I want to. I can't trust Him like I want to. Sin is hideous.

But then we later sang

"Oh how He loves us"

Here is something that I can latch on to. Here is something I can sing and not feel ashamed about. If you know me, you know I'm a doubter. You know that I often wonder if I've come to know Christ. At first, I could only sing these words in reference to Christ's church. Oh how Jesus loves the church! But, I believe the Lord wanted me to gather something more from these lyrics. For a brief moment, a vision came to me. It was the bloody, savagely beaten Savior on the cross. I saw Him suffering. Do you know what He did? He pointed to me...

OH How He loves me. To be able to sing that knowing it's true- well it's the only significance one can gather from this life, and it's one that can't be earned. It's the most free of all gifts, but the costliest at the same time.

What dishonor I give this love. Oh how I slight it. Oh how dim my appreciation is.

I will post more soon... it will be lighter. I promise. My good friend Jon just arrived at my house. I love Him.