Because the thoughts in my head are weighing me down

This is purely a message to myself. If any of you benefit from reading it, praise be to God. It's gonna be long. It's gonna be random. There will be a common thread running through it. Most of all, it is a rebuke, encouragement, and exhortation to myself.

-
Much of my christian journey has been introspective. It has been selfish and self centered. I am a self-confessing christian hedonist that doesn't at all have a problem saying that God is delighted when we find our joy in Him. I believe that it is God's desire for us to find our joy in Him. In fact, I believe this claim can easily be made by simply looking at the greatest commandment. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. God is worthy of this love- but then I'm not even sure that this is is the entire reason why God commands us to love Him. God ultimately should be at the top of our affections because God is worthy of our love, but I think a case can be made that God is offended at our idolatry not only because He is worthy of our love, but He is also out for our best interest. God knows what will make us most happy- namely Himself.
To some, God's commanding His worship makes this God sound like a prideful God who is full of Himself. But because God Himself has been at the top of His affections forever, and supremely happy in Himself- the most selfless act God can do is create and share Himself with us.

This is why proper theological understanding is so important in this day and age. It's important in any day and age. The statements that I have made above still make God look like a God who is full of Himself. But we must understand who this God is. One of the most misunderstood and confusing topics in Christianity today is The Trinity. And yet, I would submit, that it is one of the single doctrines, if not single doctrine that we should commit our lives to more fully understanding and embracing. This is after all who our God has revealed Himself to be in the whole of scripture (most specifically the new testament).

Robert Letham goes this far and writes "It is my belief that a recovery of the Trinity at ground level, the level of the ordinary minister and believer, will help revitalize the life of the church and, in turn, its witness in the world."

Because Mr. Letham knows God far better than I and has devoted much of his life to the study of God, I'll quote Him again. This is why the study of God is so practical. Look at how God works. "At a very basic level indeed, a clear outlook on the Trinity should deeply affect how we treat people. The Father advances his kingdom by means of his son, the Son glorifies the Father, the Spirit speaks not of himself but of the Son, and the Father glorifies the Son. All will call Jesus "Lord" by the Holy Spirit to the glory of the Father. Each of the three delights in the good of the others."

What am I supposed to do when the darkness will not lift? What am I supposed to do when doubts flood my soul? What am I supposed to do when I'm not sure of my salvation? What does a christian hedonist do when God's face is hidden? It's all about me isn't it? At least I'd like to think that. These are the dangers of an unbalanced theology. This is why it's so important to be students of the word. I have to catch the whole of what God's word says.

Ultimately, I must remember, though God is concerned about my best interests, He is first concerned with His interests. And this of course isn't a selfish thing at all. God's interests is His own glorification, and because God is triune and gracious, his glorification is outward. He is an overflowing fountain. God's being concerned about His own affairs is one of the most selfless acts that there are because of who God is.

I will never forget a conversation I had with one older than me. I don't even remember the person's name, but I do and will remember the conversation we had for some while. I was casually expressing my doubts to this person. I told Him my testimony and how I was concerned I was still unsaved. He then told me that he thought I wasn't a christian. My story was too ripe with doubt he said. I had cried out for faith but God had not answered. I then asked him, "well what do I do?" and he said "you're going to have to live your life." I told the man that I couldn't do that. He told me I was going to have to. After much going back and forth the man finally told me something along these lines- Stop thinking about yourself, and go out and brag on God soldier. This life isn't about you.

It's funny how God's concern for me as an individual starts with the act of loving Him for my joy (Loving God takes the focus off of loving myself and loving someone far greater than I, namely Himself) and He does not stop there. God then says- "The second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor"

God's entire business, though He does it all for the sake of His praise (Isaiah 43:20-21, 48:9): though God's entire business is for the sake of His own delight- it is always outward- because God is a God who delights in overflowing. He is a God who shares.

And so ,though God commands me to examine myself to see if I'm in the faith, I'm not meant to stay there. We are to reach this conclusion- "Jesus Christ is in me" and if we fail the test, we know what to do- "Believe in the Lord Jesus and you shall be saved"

What do I do now? I get so caught up in my own personal sins. I get so caught up in obeying the greatest commandment that I forget about everything else. And you see, if I was truly about obeying the first commandment, I would find my answer- If I truly loved God, I would find my answer. My love for God would be demonstrated. Look at how circular this passage is.

"Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome."

We know we love God when we love other christians.
We know we love the children of God when we love God and obey His commandments.
We know we love God when we obey His commandments.

I look at it like this. If we love God, we will obey Him. When we obey God, we will love other christians (and our neighbor). If you love God, you love your brother and you love your-neighbor. The more your love God, the more you love your neighbor. The more you love your brother. This is a demonstration of how God works. God moves outward. He commands us to be Holy as He is Holy. If we do such a thing, we will be concerned about feeding the poor. We will be concerned about caring for widows and orphans. We will be concerned about loving our neighbor. We will be concerned about dying to ourselves. And most of all, we will be concerned with sharing God Himself through the historical revelation of Jesus' life, death, and resurrection.

If it is my aim to find my joy in God and loving Him, then it is necessary that my joy must also be pursued in obeying Him. This necessitates dying to myself- and following Him. And when this happens, I will no longer be selfish. Nothing will rob me of joy, because my eyes will only be on God and others. My greatest joy will be found in God. My joy will be then spill over and be found in Sharing God with others, and giving myself to others, and caring for and loving others (so on and so forth.)

The apostle who wrote 1 John writes the letter So that our joy may be complete. This means not only the readers of the letter's joy, but also the apostles joy. The apostle enjoys being selfless and sheperding the flock of God as is expected of Him. This is why it is said obeying God is not burdesome. Obeying God fills us with joy.

I must note that being obsessed about my joy will not bring about joy. It is only when I take my eyes off myself, and love God and others will my joy be complete. Loving God because He is worthy is a selfless act- even though it greatly benefits ourselves. Loving others is a selfless act, even though it benefits ourselves. If I am only loving God and others for the benefit of myself, I will ultimately be robbing myself of my joy because the whole act then becomes selfish which is sinful. (How weird is that). If I am truly concerned about my own interests and joy, I must first become selfless and look away from myself and towards Christ and find my joy in Him, and then obey Him and look to love others.

I want to make an argument. The people that love God the most do the most for God. Look at Paul. He knew He was not saved by works, but He labored the most for the kingdom of God. This right here is the center of Paul's confidence "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Paul knew why He was saved. It was because Christ- God Himself- The Son of God- died for Paul. And yet, Paul can honestly say "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them (the apostles), though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me."

Paul did so much because He, by God's grace, was so incredibly in love with the triune God. He counted all else as rubbish but knowing Christ crucified, and from that, He gave up his life as a drink offering for God.

A more modern example is Jonathan Edwards. Much of "christian hedonism" can be attributed directly to this man. He was so centered on man's enjoyment of God. Yet, He ministered to many. He delivered the gospel to native americans and americans both. This man poured Himself out for God and God's purposes.

This passage is so applicable to me.

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does. (James)

Why is this so important? Because God is worthy of His glory. He is worthy to be praised and followed and obeyed and served. I am in sin if I am not a doer of the word. And lying beyond all this there is the truth that I am made in the image of God. My joy is found in God and God's own happiness and joy. Because God rightly enjoys loving others, being a Father to the Fatherless, sharing Himself with others (so and and so forth), then I will also rightly enjoy being a doer of the word because I am made in his image.

So, I'll try to summarize.
1. Theology is important. If we are not students of the word, we get lopsided. Our joy is found in the true God, not the god of our imagination.
2. Truly loving God necessitates obedience.
3. This life is not about me. God made everything for the sake of His praise.
4. I am meant to be selfless and give glory to God by obeying God.
5. When I become God centered - I will become others centered. I must become God and others centered not only because God commands me, but also because I'm robbing myself of joy if I do not.
6. I must remember, though God is about His own business, it is good He is about His own business because He is perfectly gracious, loving, and merciful and loves sharing His goodness with others. I however am sinful and not Holy like God. The center of true virtue starts with loving God and enjoying God for who He truly is (I'll touch more on this later).
7. It's time for me to stop being so centered on myself.

I know this blog is all over the place. I had to spill my thoughts. Hopefully this will be an outlet for me to further expound what's going on in this head of mine.

I leave myself with this, for it seems this passage is applicable to my entire stream of thought in one way or another and perhaps summarizes some of these ideas better than I can.

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Shining as Stars Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Phil 2: 1-18

I'll put it bluntly.
My butt's getting kicked.

I have a ton on my mind, but I haven't even had time to think about it.
Maybe I'll have time to think about it after FINALS ARE OVER.
I'll be free later today.
But for now, I've got two to go, and right now... I'm waiting for my car to melt off.

So here we go, it's time go to school and study.
Then I'll take some tests.
And then I'll return some books.
And then, hopefully... I'll take a nap.

Yup.
I'm silly.
Just throwin that out there.

Why?

Why, is the question that my overly analytical, obsessive compulsive mind all too often asks. There is no problem with the question why, if you arrive at an answer. Why, is a blessing and a curse. If you're serious about answering the question, it will always bring more knowledge, and perhaps truth. Of course, there is a flip side, it will almost always bring more "whys"

A lot of my whys are Why, God?
Here is an example of an all too familiar conversation I often have with the Lord.

Why, God?
Because I'm Good, and want to reveal and share myself.
Why, God?
Because I'm wise, this is the best way I can share myself with creation.
Why, God?
Because I love being Me.
Why, God? Why? Why? Why?

And so, I learn more about the Lord. I see Him more for who He is, and why He does what He does. Of course, it is the eye of faith that beholds God. Once the eye of the heart beholds Christ for Who He is, it stops asking why and starts praising.

For years, I have been plagued with the How, Who, What, When, Where, Why? Of course, I've asked why regarding all the strange happenings in my life. I've asked why I'm plagued with what many consider a blessing. I now consider it a blessing of sorts as well.

I'm going to sort of combine two of Paul's ideas.

"If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

"Brothers, my heart's desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved. For I can testify about them that they are zealous for God, but their zeal is not based on knowledge. Since they did not know the righteousness that comes from God and sought to establish their own, they did not submit to God's righteousness."

Knowledge, without love, is only knowledge. In fact, Paul seems to call it nothing.
(some synonyms of zeal include passion, ardor, enthusiasm, and devotion).
Zeal without knowledge, is misdirected and well.. only zeal.

I often ask the question, How can you claim to love something or someone, if you know nothing, or very little about that something or someone? Now I almost also add, just because you know a lot about someone or something, doesn't mean you love it. And I will finish with, the more you know something truly, the more you can truly appreciate it for what the something really is.

I must proclaim with the psalmist!

"For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light."

"Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law."

I most agree with the Lord Jesus.

"Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."

You see, I thought I knew something. Truth be told, I knew some things. But this verse is true.
" The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know."

For this has happened. "The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit."

I'm sorry if all of this sounds disconnected. I'm in the process of tying it all together myself. God in His wisdom has been revealing Himself to me through these past couple of years. My seeking and wrestling and striving have all been mostly centered on doctrine. God has blown on my heart, to show me that all I've ever thought about Him, though "correct" has been too small. It's been too safe. I've put God in a box. I've not viewed the truths He has been teaching me with an eye of faith. Most of all, I have had little to no zeal. Knowledge without love, well... it's only knowledge. God is blowing on my heart. Finally, the Spirit is making these truths known to me. Truly KNOWN. In His light, I see the light, and I love what I see. I'm no longer just viewing truth from afar. I'm Seeing and TASTING.

The god I thought I knew was too safe. he was too small. he was too tame.

The true God. He is a consuming Fire. He does all that He pleases, and He is MAJESTIC in HOLINESS. He is Living. He is bigger than I can ever imagine. I could spend eternity using words to try and say something of His beauty, and though they be true, they would still fail to capture the fullness, and measure of His riches. The fullness of this revelation is in the face of Jesus Christ. I can only rejoice for His redeeming me.

I'm the most blessed man, on the face of the earth.

Why?
Because, God.

This week.

Monday- 

I'm up in kstate territory for reasons I don't know. Sometimes you just go with the flow

Tuesday-

Lunch with Billy

Pre thanksgiving-halo 2 monster burger bowl

Type a paper due for an online class

Wednesday-

Eat at a salad buffet to stretch my stomach.

Hang out with a splendid young woman.

Probably end up at band practice somehow

Thursday-

Eat. Sleep. Repeat.

Friday-

Wish I wouldn't have eaten so much.

Hopefully I'll be playing "the game" with some fellows

Saturday-

Hopefully I'll be hanging out with a dandy young lady again.

Probably another round of band practice too.

Sunday-

Church.

Rest.

Church again?

All the while, a good deal of homework, lyric writing, and reading/journaling will be going on.

This sounds like it's going to be a lovely week.

Hello

I enjoy writing, but haven't done any writing on this thing in a while because...
well, all too often I act like my words carry a lot of weight.
Or, I act like they should carry a lot of weight.
Meh. I ain't the stud I imagine myself to be.
Pride is stinky, Smells like sin. Sin smells like poop- Bad poop.
I guess if the Lord wants me to write, I will.
Hey, I still keep up in my journal. I'm scared for the person who stumbles across those when I die. Maybe God will hide em from folks. Maybe I'll request in my will that they put em in my coffin with me.

I have a new addiction. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anLfoy2XsFw
Hall and Oates.. man, if only folks still wrote songs like they did.

I don't think Mark 9:24 has ever been more true in my life. It's so weird,
because I totally believe and have nowhere else to go but to Jesus. But man, I've never stumbled over God's word like this before either. Jesus rose from the dead. Golly, I need Him.

I've been drinking more Arnold Palmers from QT. I've been smoking less hookah. I wish hookah wasn't bad for your health, because I'd smoke it a lot more. I'll be 21 in 5 days I think it is. I guess that means I can go out and buy beer.

Colossus is introducing clean vocals. That's right, I'll be singing for real in some songs. Not that you'll ever hear em though. We never play shows...

I guess I really suck at this blogging thing. I just blurted out a bunch of information ya'll probably didn't want to hear.