Hello old friend

Well, Jeremiah 2-3 is who I am right. It's who I've been for a while.
God starts out by saying

"I remember the devotion of your youth,
your love as a bride,
how you followed me in the wilderness"

And that's all my sweet walk with Christ appears to be anymore, a mere memory. I remember it as well, and to be honest, those were the best days of my life. I say that with discretion for those who read, because I don't desire to offend anyone or give anyone the wrong impression. Circumstantially, I have a lot of pretty great things going for me right now. I'm getting married to my best friend in 2 months. I'm one semester away from earning my college degree. I'm about to effectively restart my life in multiple ways, and that's exciting.

But as amazing as these things are, they cannot and will not satisfy the longing soul. They were never meant to.

God asks me a question.
"What wrong did your fathers find in me
that they went far from me,
and went after worthlessness, and became worthless?"

I'm not saying the things I mentioned above are sinful. On the contrary, they are great gifts. I'm not even saying I'm idolizing these things explicitly. What is certain however, is that I've strayed and I've been straying. I'm in sin. And God asks me, what wrong I found in Him to do such a thing. After all, I started out strong with love. God's asking me a theoretical question that stops me dead in my tracks. What wrong did I find in Him to stop this love?

I don't have a sufficient answer. I don't have any kind of answer. I may not understand God, but this doesn't mean that He's any less worthy, or wonderful. He isn't any less lovely because he's different than me. His perfections still shine. His glory is still grand. God, you confuse me at times. You often baffle me. Your ways are not my ways. But I find no wrong in you. So why have I strayed? That's why I'm stopped dead in my tracks.

The passage continues.
They did not say, 'Where is the LORD
who brought us up from the land of Egypt,
who led us in the wilderness,
in a land of deserts and pits,
in a land of drought and deep darkness,
in a land that none passes through,
where no man dwells?'
And I brought you into a plentiful land
to enjoy its fruits and its good things.
But when you came in, you defiled my land
and made my heritage an abomination.
The priests did not say, 'Where is the LORD?'
Those who handle the law did not know me;
the shepherds transgressed against me;
the prophets prophesied by Baal
and went after things that do not profit.

This passage is once again fairly pointed. God denotes all the great things He's done for His people (and for me). He brought me out of Egypt (bondage). He carried me from a desert wasteland into a land of plenty. One might think in this passage that God might be noting that his people didn't doubt him because they did not question where He was. But I don't think that's it at all. God is actually noting their (my) faithlessness. After God did all these marvelous things for his people, they went out and did their own thing. And their thing was blatant rebellion. They had such disregard for God, that in the midst of their rebellion, they didn't even ask "Where is God?" They had no regard for Him whatsoever in their sin. And this is me. I go on in my sin, without care. "Where is God?" in this passage denotes unbelief. I live as if He's not even watching. I don't even think to ask myself if He happens to see my rebellion.

"my people have changed their glory
for that which does not profit.
Be appalled, O heavens, at this;
be shocked, be utterly desolate,

declares the LORD, for my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me,
the fountain of living waters,
and hewed out cisterns for themselves,
broken cisterns that can hold no water."

Given the verses above, especially verse 4, this is why we see sin is so exceedingly appalling. No wrong can be found in God, in fact, only glory. He provides for, and delivers his people. He offers, yes, even bestows upon them (me) a great salvation. And they (I) run away. I make my own idols. I direct my worship toward my selfish interests. I look for comfort where there is no comfort. My idols hold no water. Neither do my attempts to justify myself and earn favor with the Lord. Everything I clamor for, my sins, hold not a single drop of water. There is no refreshment. And what makes this forsaking of the living fountain so terrible is the fact that I once walked with Him. I once drank deep. I once tasted. I once infallibly knew that there was no one thing greater than He.
"Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly."
It's all vomit in comparison. Any idol is vomit in comparison.

"Know and see that it is evil and bitter
for you to forsake the LORD your God;
the fear of me is not in you,

declares the Lord GOD of hosts. "For long ago I broke your yoke
and burst your bonds;
but you said, 'I will not serve.'
Yes, on every high hill
and under every green tree
you bowed down like a whore.
Yet I planted you a choice vine,
wholly of pure seed.
How then have you turned degenerate
and become a wild vine?"

It hurts, but not as much as it should when I read this. The fear of God is not in me. How irreverent can I be? How foolish? How dumb? God has done all these mighty things for me, and yet my attitude is clearly "I will not serve". He then talks about becoming a wild vine. My sin is serious. My backsliding is serious. When Christ says "Unless you repent, you will likewise perish", He is talking to me.

Is this passage in Hebrews addressing me?
"it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt. For land that has drunk the rain that often falls on it, and produces a crop useful to those for whose sake it is cultivated, receives a blessing from God. But if it bears thorns and thistles, it is worthless and near to being cursed, and its end is to be burned."

I can't take this too lightly. If I don't turn away from sin and turn to God through Christ, I will go to hell. I'm not saying one can lose their salvation. What I am saying is this, people can look, smell, and act like Christians. They can be DANG CLOSE. (see the parable of the seed sower) But being dang close doesn't make you one, no matter how close you are. (1 John 2:19).

And here I am again in Jeremiah 2.
"Though you wash yourself with lye
and use much soap,
the stain of your guilt is still before me"

I know I'm guilty, so I try to make myself right before God. I try to do a bunch of stuff, usually punish myself as some odd form of penitence to make myself right. But my efforts are useless. Everything I attempt to do to clean myself, completely and utterly fails. My stain is still bright red before God.

The rest of the passage has stinging language about my whoredom. Perhaps something that stings more than all these is this passage here.
"Yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah did not return to me with her whole heart, but in pretense, declares the LORD."

I mean, this sums it up pretty nicely. My attitude is depicted in this here- "But in the time of their trouble they say,
'Arise and save us!'"

I only turn to the Lord when I'm in dire need. His commands and threatenings don't stir me. His love does not woo me. His glory does not enthrall me. His wrath does not motivate me. But when I need something to go my way, or if I'm in danger or inconvenience, then I turn. How disgusting is that?

In fact, he says that I only turn after I've done all the evil I could do. (Jeremiah 3:4-5)
This isn't the heart of repentance. It's nasty whatever it is.

Yet, after all this, Have I written myself off through my actions? NO.
Return, faithless Israel,
declares the LORD.I will not look on you in anger,
for I am merciful,

declares the LORD; I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your guilt,
that you rebelled against the LORD your God
and scattered your favors among foreigners under every green tree,
and that you have not obeyed my voice,

declares the LORD. Return, O faithless children,
declares the LORD;
for I am your master;

I'm not too sinful to be beyond grace. My backslidings can and will be covered, if I only come to Christ. (John 6:37)
I will be welcomed by the Father (Parable of the prodigal son).

Only one problem remain. I don't know how to not turn in pretense. Can a Leopard change his spots? The answer is no. I cannot change. But the God who is there pulls out hearts of stone and gives hearts of flesh. He tells dead bones to live, and they live.
All those the Father gives me will come to me,And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me"

When God says walk to the lame- they walk. When He says see- the blind see. When He says stop- the storm stills. When he says die- the tree withers. And when He says "Come forth you sinner, and live, for I love you and have set my grace upon you"- they live.

My hope is in the great prerogative of God. He can make me new through the accomplishments of Christ. May He grant me faith that clings to Him, while I wait for His salvation. Remember your promises oh God. Do not forsake me, for my only hope is in you through Jesus Christ!